Before My Feelings Disappear
by Kira-chan0313
Summary: I think everyone has a dirty little secret something they have to keep hidden from everyone. Sometimes it could be something trivial, and other times it could be something serious...


1Heddo minna-san! This is my **first** **Gravitation fic**. **(Don't worry I will finish my other fics and I will revise them too. I have worked something out with the internet, so I might be updating more.) **I don't know how to write yaoi situations really. I might get my friend to write it for me since she's so experienced at writing that kind of stuff. And I warn you there is some deep stuff in here. If you don't like **rape, abuse, and angst look elsewhere.** Also I thought maybe each chapter would alternate between **Shuichi POV **and **Eiri's POV**. Not sure yet, you'll find out once I do. Anyway enjoy?!

_Italics- thoughts/narration _

_Before My Feelings Disappear_

_Chapter 1- Ballad of Tears_

_I think everyone has a dirty little secret; something they have to keep hidden from everyone. Sometimes it could be something trivial, and other times it could be something serious. So serious you keep it inside, until it hurts, and you're mad at everyone else for not noticing. It's a horrible thing to go through, and since I've experienced it first hand I know better than anyone else what it feels like. I would never wish this kind of pain on anyone,... even my enemies. I've only known one other person who can say they went through the same thing; even though it was for a little while._ _If I hadn't met him when I did, I don't think I'd be the person I am today. It's weird how one -stupid- person can change your whole outlook on life. This is the story of how another battered soul, saved me from going under..._

_About three years ago I was raped by my step brother. I knew he was a little perverted, but I never expected him to rape me. I know you're thinking boys don't get raped, usually that's a girl's thing. Well you're wrong, anyone can be raped._ _There's no exception to that rule._

_I never told my mother. You see my mother and father divorced only when I seven._ _Then around the time I turned fourteen my mother remarried -to my dismay- and her husband brought his son and daughter to live with my brother, sister, and me. We all felt awkward at first, then my sister bonded with her "lost sister" Sakayu. So Tatsuha and I tired to hang around with Yuki. _

_Yuki was always fascinated by me. He said he never knew anyone who had his name as a nickname. My name is Uesugi Eiri but several of my family members called me Yuki because of my stoic personality. His name was Kitazawa Yuki. _

_After that I was very alert when I was alone with him. I'm a very paranoid person so little things like that really set me off into "beware of danger mode". Even though I didn't trust him yet, Tatsuha did. I was a little jealous because Tatsuha always looked up to me and now he was looking up to Yuki a little more. _

_That's when it happened. I went to talk to Yuki about his new bond with Tatsuha. That day everyone was gone. My mom had gone furniture shopping with her husband. And my brother and sister went to their friend's houses. Sakayu had gone with my sister as well. I thought now would be a good time to tell him about my feelings on him and Tatsuha; since Tatsuha wasn't here to eavesdrop I thought this would be an open and shut case. However this was a decision I'll regret for the rest of my life. I still think sometimes what would have happened if I had Tatsuha with me when I talked to him. Would something different have happened?_

_Anyway, no alertness in the world could have prevented this. No one was home and he blocked all exits. It was like he had done this before. It was so revolting, and utterly disgusting. When everyone came home, he acted like nothing happened. _

_Ever since that day, my mother and siblings said I changed. Tatsuha said I was really mean to him and soon we drifted apart for a little while until he told me something. He told me Yuki was in his room one night. He said he left when he yelled that he would tell mother. After that Tatsuha vouched to go live with father. My mother was against it, but she still sent him. She always put her children's happiness before hers._

_I know you're wondering why I wouldn't tell her what happened to me. She was really happy with this guy, and I didn't want to destroy her happiness. We always made her choose and I didn't want to put her through that again. So I kept it inside for six months. Then eventually I told my cousin Touma, he was highly upset and wanted to hurt Yuki. And surprisingly he did just that. That's how we chased him out of the house. _

_Yuki was nineteen already anyway so no one thought it was weird. I'm eternally grateful to Touma for that -even though I would never tell him that... See I don't want him to get an even bigger head, he already thinks I like his company better than Tatsuha's. Well, it's partly true, but he'd never know that anyway._

_And that brings me to my enrollment in Tohoku High School. That's were I met him, Shindou Shuichi. You would never expect he had problems at home. He was always cheerful and happy. I really hated him. I thought everything in his world was rosy; just perfectly peachy. It really pissed me off to be the only one hurting..._

"That's my boy; you got into Tohoku High School! I'm so proud of you. I'm sure your step father will be proud." Ayame exclaimed happily

Eiri rolled his eyes,"Like I'll give a rats ass about his approval. I'm happy I got into this high school. Now at least I won't have to be around your spasmodic ass!"

_Yep that was me three years ago, bitter, with the "don't care attitude". I really was a little bastard back then. And my mother didn't spare the rod to keep me in line._

Ayame smacked Eiri in the back of the head and smiled, "That's my boy using College Aptitude Test words. I'm sure you'll do fine in your new school."

"_Stupid bitch, I hope you burn I hell with your demon of a husband." _he thought furiously, going up the stairs to his room

_It's amazing how much hatred I had flowing though my veins._

Once he got to his room, he sat down and read his acceptance letter to completion.

The letter read as follows:

Congratulations Uesugi-san,

You have been _accepted _to Tohoku High School. School starts at 7:30 AM and ends at 3:55 PM -depending on the type of classes you have. Please notify your parents about orientation. This is very important to our school. If you don't show up we will already have a look into the kind of student you are. Orientation is from 9:00 to 12:00, on July 15th. You may be asked to take a few exams so please be prepared.

As our staff looked over your exam, we noticed you were home schooled for the last year of junior high school due to various reasons. We would like to inform you we will not tolerate high-risk behavior in our school. We also noticed your interest in writing. You should be getting a letter in the mail about our excellent writing program. We really hope you join.

Thank you for considering Tohoku High School. We hope you will enjoy your four years of high school here. Hopefully, we'll see you on July 15th.

_Sincerely_

_Principal_ _Kuchimi_

_I was home schooled for my last year in junior high school due to all the fights I got myself into. The boys didn't like how I looked, so I had to kick their asses. But my mother thought going back to High School would be different since everyone has a weird color coming from somewhere on their body._ _She was right, everyone had a weird hair color, I pretty much looked normal and I didn't get into fights. I even made a few friends. And on some days my cousin Touma would even pick me up. But this was in my sophomore year, now my freshmen year was hectic and weird._

_My first year was a completely different story._

"WELCOME TO TOHOKU HIGH SCHOOL! All students please go to the auditorium to get your schedules"

_On my first day, I had gotten lost. There were two other freshmen and myself. We're all looking for the same class, Advance Literature. The schedule said it was in room AP-12 but when we got there a sign read: Advance Literature has been moved to the Music Center in the North Wing._

"Oh no guys, what are we going to do. If we're late on the first day we'd get punished"Fujisaki exclaimed frantically

Hiro smiled, "Don't worry 'Saki. We'll find the classroom. We may not make it for class but at least we'd know where it is for tomorrow."

Fujisaki sobbed quietly, "My father is going to kill me. Being late on you first day is unacceptable. And you know this better than anyone Hiro."

Eiri shook his head, "It's not a dig deal, we'll find it. The worst thing that could happen is we'll have to stand outside with buckets of water on our heads."

Hiro nodded, "He's right Fujisaki, let's just try to find the classroom instead of wasting time here complaining aboutit."

_We didn't get to that class until five minutes before the bell rang. As punishment for being late we had to write a one page essay about the importance of being punctual. It really was a simple assignment. _

"You're late boys, good timing. I was just talking about what happens when you're late." said Mr. Kodoku "Ok boys, for homework tonight you have to write an essay. I'll give you the details after class. Now please find a seat and try to get at least five minutes of learning."

"Hai, Kodoku-sensei," Fujisaki exclaimed frantically, taking a seat right in front of the teacher's desk

Hiro apologized and took a seat behind Fujisaki, "Hai, we're sorry for being late sensei."

Eiri took a seat next to Hiro without saying a word and Mr. Kodoku continued the last piece of his lesson.

_That's how I met Suguru Fujisaki; he was always worrying about something. He was sort of annoying sometimes but I guess he was ok. We hung out during lunch, and he introduced me to one of his friends. His friend was also late for Advanced Literature with us. His name was Nakano Hiroshi, everyone called him Hiro for short. He was the typical pretty boy; a lot of the girls liked him. _

"Hey Uesugi-san sit with us!" Hiro yelled from across the lunch room waving his hand as a signal

Eiri sat at the table with Fujisaki and Hiro. And judging by a third bag under the table next to Hiro another person would be sitting at the table with them.

"Hey, Uesugi-san what did you buy for lunch?" Fujisaki asked, taking a bite out of his soy sauce covered odangos

"Nothing but a sandwich. I didn't like anything else they had there."

Hiro laughed, "I see you're picky. Oh yeah we didn't introduce our selves properly yet."

"I'm Suguru Fujisaki, nice to meet you." he said respectfully offering his hand

"I'm Nakano Hiroshi, but everyone calls me Hiro for short." Hiro also offered his hand

Eiri shook both of their hands and introduced himself, "I'm Uesugi Yuki Eiri. My family members and friends just call me Eiri. You could call me Yuki is you want, it's a little easier to say."

"Ok, I'll call you Yuki, as long as you call me Hiro. I hate Hiroshi it's so traditional."

"You can call me 'Saki if you want. I really don't care."

Eiri shook his head, "'Saki is just a little too weird for me, I'll stick to Fujisaki. And I'll call you Hiro."

"Then we'll call you Yuki," Fujisaki and Hiro exclaimed together at the same time

"Oh we forgot one person, 'Saki." Hiro said showing off his cheeky smile

Fujisaki sighed heavily, "Not him, Hiro. Why do you even hang out with him?"

"He's my best friend. We've know each other for a long time. Anyway he's a good person; you just have to warm up to him."

"And who is him?" Eiri asked, taking one last bite of his sandwich

"You'll see. Oh here he comes now!" Hiro exclaimed happily

_And then we met his best friend from childhood. Hiro told us he just moved here from Tokyo to live with his father here. I never asked why he moved from Tokyo to this rural area though._

"HIRO! THEY RAN OUT OF SANDWICHES I'M TIRED OF EATING INSTANT NOODLES" Shuichi whined, taking a seat next to Hiro

Hiro laughed, "I told you to go up early. This isn't Ryuji Junior High. Tohoku is a lot bigger with more people. So the food will run out faster, ok?"

Shuichi nodded, and eyed Eiri, "Hey, how did you get that sandwich?" he asked

"I went up to the counter and order one." Eiri retorted sarcastically

Shuichi slammed his hand on the table, "I know you did that but how did you get a sandwich if they're sold out!"

"Easy, I got on the line earlier than you!" Eiri snapped

"Can you give me the rest of that sandwich, it looks like you're done with it!" Shuichi begged

Eiri shook his head, "No, I bit of this already, eat your noodles."

"HIRO! Who is this guy and why is he sitting here."

"Yuki, this is Shindou Shuichi. Shuichi this is Uesugi Eiri, but we call him Yuki."

"Well Yuki, are you going to reconsider? I'm willing to get down and dirty for that delicious sandwich."

"I'm going to say this once, and only once. You're not getting my sandwich, so fuck off. Ok," Eiri spat bitterly, sending Shuichi into a fit of rage

"I WANT THAT SANDWICH, AND I'LL NEVER LET YOU HEAR THE END OG IT UNTIL YOU GIVE IT TO ME!"

_Hard to believe he could have an impact on anyone, right? Well he has his good points and his bad points. Even now he hasn't changed. But I'm still eternally grateful to him as well. And of course he'll never know it as well._

"Ok, Shuichi calm down. And leave him alone. Come to my house after school and I'll make you sandwich ok?" Hiro interjected gently, trying to coax Shuichi out of his hunger induced rage

Shuichi smiled, "Ok Hiro, I'll stop. But I want a big sandwich and I also want an apology from Yuki here."

"I'll apologize my foot up your ass, if you don't cut the shit."Eiri retorted

"You're not a very nice person." Shuichi mumbled under his breath

"I can't be nice to a person like you,"Eiri spat again

"Hiro, why would you hang out with someone like this? First him and now this one." Shuichi whined

"I would like it if you didn't refer to me as him, Shindou-san." Fujisaki exclaimed angrily

_He was a real character. I wonder how he made it through the day without being killed. He said what he wanted, the way he wanted to, and he was brutally honest,__pretty much everyone's worst enemy. But that's one good thing about him. _

_End of Chapter _

_Chapter 1- Ballad of Tears _

So what do you think! It's completely different to what I'm used to writing. The next chapter maybe from Shuichi's POV. I'm still considering whether or not I should. Well review and let me know if I should change something or if you have any questions. You could review and let me

know how it is too. u Flames are welcome! I don't really care about them. Knock yourself out! JA NA!


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